The last month has been quite a challenge for me but in the midst of all of the uncertainties and emotions the Lord has made his presence so known! I struggle with how to express all that is inside of my heart right now. I can honestly say I thought I was stronger then I am! But I praise the Lord that he has used my weakness in spirit to extend his hand and give me strength and encouragement.
For 12 years, I've hated looking in the mirror. One day I woke up as a young teenager with some pimples and they never went away. They weren't so bad at first...a little make up and I felt like everyone else. In the years since however, they've actually slowly grown to the point that they are now...a point I never wanted to be at. The point where I feel very self conscious and I hate to feel that way! The Lord knows every hair on my head and I know deep down that he weeps with me when I cry even over something as small as this...although to be honest, it hasn't felt so small for me.
We finally know what they are which has been a blessing although some what of a mixed blessing at this point. I still feel as if I don't know a lot about what's going on. I have a very rare genetic disorder called Trichoepithelioma. It's so rare in fact that I still don't have a lot of answers. The dermatologist wouldn't even treat me. He sent me to a plastic surgeon without so much as a consultation to review the results. The first biopsy came back as a benign trichoepithelioma so we are very hopeful that they all are but did another biopsy for good measure. If it comes back with the same results most likely I will have all of the larger sized bumps removed. Unfortunately being that this is a genetic abnormality, I will have to deal with these things coming back for the rest of my life which I think has been one of the few hardest parts of the diagnosis. That and knowing that my baby girls could possibly have the same condition. But Praise the Lord that we now know what it is! I think the most heart wrenching part for me though has been my own emotions over the whole thing.. If this is something the Lord wants me to deal with for the rest of my life, I want to deal with it for HIS glory, and yet I find myself feeling at times so emotionally drained. I suppose 12 years could drain anyone...but it's not like I have terminal cancer or a failing heart, and so on...it's just a few benign growths. So right now I'm in a battle against my sinful nature which wants to wallow in self pity and hide from the world, and the other part of me that wants to share my struggle and let God use it...and me in whatever way he wishes. I do have to say how amazing it is that at my lowest I've ever been, God has been so faithful and attendant to me. I almost feel as if these bumps are such a small price to pay to feel such an embrace!! He is an awesome AWESOME God and I can't even begin to describe how baffling it feels some times to know that He loves little insignificant me so much!
I really don't know what the next few months will bring but I can say that whatever may come, I will praise the Lord and try to focus on my blessings! And friends, I would greatly appreciate your prayers as well!
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