Burdened

  Pray is so important as a believer in Christ....and yet it is something that I have honestly always struggled with for many reasons.  I spent my childhood reciting the same prayers over and over again...that was how I learned to pray. "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep..." Impersonal, repetitious, and meaningless.  The line of communication between the Father and I was heart felt yes, but not as open or as close as I would have liked.  I grew up in a church very much in tune with traditions and not so much a close relationship with Christ...I always believed in Jesus and loved him, but felt like I could only approach him from a safe distance if that makes any sense.  As I've gotten older, my relationship with the Father has certainly grown but my awkwardness and uneasiness with prayer has always remained to one extent or the other and has always caused me problems.  It's been one of my biggest personal struggles.  I've often struggled in my mind with thoughts like: "Are my prayers truly sincere?" "Am I praying just because I'm suppose to and not because I want to" "Is what I pray about selfish? Annoying?" "Am I doing this right?" "Is he even listening?" I know I'm not the only one who's struggled this way.  A matter of fact, I'm beyond positive I'm one of many.  I know I have so much left to learn and it can be hard not to beat myself up for still being such a "baby Christian" after all of these years.  But I also know that all these thoughts and insecurities in me are not of the Lords doing but that of the evil one.  Satan wants me to give into these feelings and emotions.  He wants me to feel inadequate and hopeless.  The struggle has become all the more apparent to me the past few weeks.  The Lord has been burdening my heart to join our church Bible study for quite some time.  I went a few times a few years back and enjoyed it except for the prayer part.  I found it awkward feeling having to prayer in front of people and just as awkward not praying.  I did it anyway with sweaty palms, stumbling over words, and stomach in my throat because I felt that if I didn't attempt, I'd never be able to feel comfortable doing it.  And then of course I found an array of excuses to not have to go.  Not that having a new baby once every year and early bed times aren't a pretty decent one...but excuses none the less.  Then one day the Lord burdened my sister in law to offer to babysit on Tuesday nights so that we could go to Bible study...and I say burdened lightly here because it really is NO burden for her at all! :)  She loves spending time with the girls! But through her offering to watch them, God took that one excuse I was holding on to and basically destroyed it! And what a blessing this has become for me! I still struggle. My anxiety level certainly increases as soon as it's time for prayer. But it feels different this time for me.  I can see in the distance a different me.  It's still far off but God can certainly change me from the inside out I'm sure! I just have to be open for him to do that! And through this change of heart (and through our Tuesday night fellowship) I've also realized something else about myself.  I've become complacent.  M brother has been struggling for quite a few years with addictions, losses of jobs, homelessness, and so on.  I love him so much and yet a simple question was asked last night. "When was the last time you were burdened to pray?" When was the last time I felt like I should pray for John...and I couldn't recall.  How sad...how horrible! Conviction stings! How can I be an effective Christian if I can't even pray for someone as dear to me as my own flesh and blood brother?! I am now asking the Lord to burden me to pray for John and it is my hope that through my prayers and petitions for my brother, he will find salvation and truly let the Lord change him from the inside out.  I of all people know that is easier said then done, but I also know with all my heart that the Lord can do it! And Wants too!! The only thing that has held me back from a close personal relationship with Christ was myself and my own insecurities and fears.  I don't have to be a slave to myself because HE is bigger then all that has been holding me back!